Mike Rogers – Santa Gram

Columnist:
Mike Rogers

by Mike Rogers

I think most magicians enjoy a good gag, so I’ll share one that I have used for several years during the holiday season. It’s a spoof on those appalling family news letters that show up with greeting cards this time of the year. This letter is not original. It was making the rounds among my navy friends more than 25 years ago. Now and then I make a few changes to bring it in tune with the times, but for the most part it has remained the same. Simply mail it in an envelope having no return address. You’ll drive them nuts.

SANTA GRAM

Hiddy Ho Everyone:

Here goes our yearly thing – hoping to add something extra to your holidays by sharing some of our happiness with you.

Melba returned to the kids and I July 13th after a four months absence. She brought the guy back with her that she ran away with and he spent two weeks with us. He seemed to be a very nice guy for a garbage truck driver. Melba looks great though she is down to 185 pounds and she doesn’t perspire near as much as she used to. Remember the rash she used to get on her legs? All cleared up now!

Jimmy is back home now after a hitch in the navy. He was released seven months early due to a problem he had by appearing in ads for a gay newspaper circulating on the base. Seems the navy just doesn’t want these young kids working in part time jobs these days. He also brought home a young wife and her two kids. They are living with us now. Jimmy did not lose his GI benefits, so he is going to school under the GI Bill and is now in the 10th grade. He still wants to be a surgeon and I think the little devil will make it!

Our little Gloria blessed us with an eight pound boy this summer. Melba looks after the kid (Willie) while Gloria is in school. By the way she is only one grade behind Jimmy now. She has grown so much you would hardly recognize her. She no longer needs a training bra, and Melba lets her use lipstick now. She’ll be off probation for her shop lifting conviction in only six more months!

The house is getting to be a little overcrowded for us and we are looking for a larger place. Also, the home owners association has been giving us a difficult time because of the newspapers piling up in the front yard. They also think our five dogs are a bit much, but we would never think of parting with them. The barking doesn’t bother me at all. Anyway, it seems we will soon be moving to a new place. Do you know of anything near you?

You may have heard that I lost my job last summer. Someone squealed to the boss about my drinking problem. I thought I had whipped it for I only consume a fifth a day now. I’m not a quitter, though, and I know my worker’s rights. I have written Senator Kennedy for help and assistance because he really knows an injustice when he sees one.

Hope this season finds you all happy and well. Melba and I will load up the pickup truck with the kids and dogs Xmas day, and we plan to be in your neighborhood. We will drop in for a few hours.

HAPPY HO, HO, HO!